Just Start: People > Everything (week 4)

Dear Andre, (6 min read)

I want to warn you about what might be the most destructive words you could ever think: "I don't need people."

I've only understood people skills through one lens: "How to Win Friends and Influence People." I've listened to that audiobook 12 times in the last 12 years.

Here's what it's done for me: It's caused me to be genuinely interested in other people and look for the good in them (then actually tell them about it).

The Quote That Changed How I See People

There's a line in How To Win Friends And Influence People that goes: "Twice I did right that I heard never; once I did wrong that I heard ever."

Side note: I have a free essential reading list for guys in their 20's Doc (this book is #1)

Most people only think about what they missed, what they did wrong, what didn't work in their life. I made a conscious choice. I want to be the one person in someone's world who both sees the good in them AND chooses to express it.

Why?

Because I know most people are walking around feeling like what they've done doesn't matter. (Boooo! would someone shut that voice up?)

My Outsider Story

Part of this comes from my own story. When I was younger, I felt like an outsider. Then at some point, that switched (I wasn't on the outside anymore, I was on the inside of spaces I was part of). But I never forgot what it felt like to be on the outside.

This actually started really early for me. There's this memory from when I was quite young. I'd have the right (or power) to sit in the front seat of the car because I was the older sibling. But I remembered how I'd ask my older siblings to let me do that when I was the younger one. see, It would have meant the world to me if they said yes. But they didn't. So when I became the older one, I would let my younger sister sit in the front seat instead.

Even then, I could see the power structures, the invisible rules. I knew I didn't want to live by them, even though I couldn't communicate what was happening at the time.

Then I'd see someone sitting by themselves. (In our church's middle school ministry of roughly 200 kids) I would go sit by them, introduce myself. I'd try to bring them into my friend group.

So when I see people who aren't being included or don't know anyone, I take it as my responsibility to include them. My goal is simple: welcome them in, make them feel special and seen and cared for.

That's been my posture with most things. And my relationship with God influences this too (I see people as made in the image of God).

The Strategic Side of Relationships

But here's where it gets strategic, André. When I walk into any new space, I'm very intentional about identifying who has a disproportionate amount of skill, influence, or respect from everyone in the group.

You have limited time and energy. You're going to have to make choices about who you get to know first.

Here's what I look for:

1. People who have leadership because of a title (the obvious leaders)

2. People who have leadership because of their skill (they've developed expertise that's valuable in that space)

3. People who are just respected by everyone (maybe they don't have the specific skill, but everyone looks up to them)

The Proximity Strategy

Sometimes the person leading has the most influence, but everyone already wants to be around them (you can't immediately get access). The way around this? Figure out who is a close friend of that person. Can you become friends with them relatively quickly? By proximity, you gain access to that leader.

Also ask: "Who has skill, knowledge, or expertise in the area my dream is in?"

If someone happens to be an expert in something you're interested in, you get two benefits:

1. You'll be more genuinely interested (you already care about what they care about)

2. They may massively accelerate your timeline

The next question: Are there events that are behind a paywall or time or effort wall? Join those. (think retreats/trips/events)

Why? if people have to use extra time/money/energy to be there you have a filter of commitment. You will often find better people on the other side.

Where We Are So Far

Let me recap our journey:

1. You identified your dream (week 1)

2. You started taking daily action toward it (week 2)

3. You put yourself in places that increased the odds of meeting the right people (week 3)

4. Inside those places, you're now optimizing to be around the right people (This week)

I did a live cohort walking through this framework in August. it sold out. DM me WAIT on Instagram and I’ll add you to the waitlist for the next one.

The Tension We All Face

There's a side of the world that will say this is all self-serving and narcissistic. (robert greene 48 laws of power for example) And there can be some truth to that.

On the other hand, there are people like Dale Carnegie who suggest there are folks out there who genuinely care about others but don't know how to express it well. Those are the people I'm most interested in helping (people who really want to make the world better, to have others feel loved and cared for and like they matter).

I think if you're reading this, you're one of those people.

The Truth About Driven People

Here's the thing: We're driven people. We want to succeed. We want to grow. The tendency is to say "I don't need people," but that's a lie.

We need the right people around us. When we have the right people, we're healthier, happier, and have way more fun as we're building.

Your Assignment This Week

Identify people you want to be more like who are in places you're already in but haven't gone to coffee or lunch with yet.

Then ask them to coffee, lunch, or to go on a hike/walk. Sidenote: next founders hike is october 7th at 7AM. DM me HIKE on instagram and I'll send you the details.

That's it. One person. One invitation.

What's Coming

Over the next few months, I'm going to dive deeper into "people over everything." My goal is to share stories of people who demonstrate hope, optimism, and enthusiasm as superpowers. Amazing people who've achieved great things because of this approach.

I hope that as I continue sharing what I've learned (in the same way I've been inspired by Dale Carnegie, Chris Voss, and others), you'll be inspired by the life I'm living. And more importantly, that I won't just write about caring for people well, but actually live it.

This is just the beginning.

Welp, that’s all for now.

-Daniel

PS if you’ve found this email or the last 3 helpful. Send this to a guy in his 20’s. There are some really great guys who just need a small nudge to take action.