Proximity Is Power

Dear friend,

Question I like: Will this ever be easier than it is right now? (More on this at the bottom)

I want to share a process with you.

I’ve used it to build real friendships at a gym. To become a trusted member of a business networking group. To go from lurker to insider in online communities. (that lead to genuine friendships) And yes, to go from a stranger sitting alone to someone who gets invited on international trips.

Same process every time. Every single environment.

I’m going to walk you through it using a specific story. A young adults ministry I joined at my church a few years back. But I need you to hear this before I start: swap out “church” for whatever room you’re trying to get into. A gym. A mastermind. A nonprofit. A business group. The names change. The process doesn’t.

Here’s how it starts.

When I joined that young adults ministry, I didn’t know anyone. I was new to the group, new to the dynamic, new to the inside jokes and the friendships that had already been built. I walked in and did what most people do in that situation.

I found a seat. But then, Introduced myself to a few people. Fired off genuine compliments like a gatling gun from a helicopter. (Using everything Id learned of how to make a great first impression)

And then I came back the next Thursday.

And the one after that.

That’s where it starts. Just showing up and being willing to meet new people each time. Every single week. Without fail.

That’s level zero. And most people never even get there.

Here’s the thing about consistency that nobody talks about.

It’s not exciting. You’re not going to feel momentum after week two. You’re going to show up, have a decent time, learn a few names, and drive home wondering if it’s working.

It is working. You just can’t see it yet.

Because what consistency does (before anything else) is it signals to everyone in that room that you’re serious. You’re not a tourist. You’re not trying it out. You’re here. And people start to notice that before they ever say it out loud.

But here’s where most people stop. They show up every week and wonder why, six months in, they still feel like an outsider.

It’s because they skip the thing after the thing.

For this group, after every Thursday night meeting, people would drive over to In-N-Out. Nothing official. Nothing on the calendar. Just the people who wanted to keep going.

I always went.

Every time. (Especially in the first few months)

And I want to be honest with you — in the beginning it felt awkward. I didn’t have deep friendships yet. I was still learning names. But I kept saying yes to that invite, even when it would have been easier to just go home.

A few weeks in, someone from that In-N-Out group invited me to their house.

That’s when I knew something was happening.

Because once you start getting invited to things outside the scheduled thing (the unofficial things, the personal things) you’ve crossed a line. You’re no longer a regular. You’re becoming a friend.

The Pareto principle applies here. 80% of the relationships are built in the 20% of time that happens after the main event. The hang after the meeting. The car ride. The late night at someone’s kitchen table.

Say yes to that. Every time.

A few months in, the group announced a weekend retreat.

I’d only been coming for a few months. It was time and money. I almost said no…

But I went anyway.

Then a few months after that, there was a missions trip to Spain. A 100 kilometer walk along El Camino de Santiago. It cost money. It cost time. It required me to take days off and book flights and commit to something uncomfortable.

I signed up.

And here’s what I learned on that trip that I couldn’t have learned anywhere else.

The people who show up for the hard things (the trips, the retreats, the things that cost something) are almost always the most committed people in that room. Not always. But almost always. The price of admission filters for a certain kind of person. And those are usually the people you want closest to you.

I didn’t just get to know the group on that trip. I got to know the leaders. The people who built the thing. And that changed everything about how I moved in that space from that point forward.

Now here’s what I need you to hear.

This is not a story about church.

This is a story about how human beings build belonging. And it works the same way everywhere.

I’ve done this exact process at Lifetime (the gym I joined last year). I’ve done it in a business networking group. I’m doing it right now in two online communities (one called The Arena, one called Acq Vantage for business owners). Same process. Same principles. Same results.

Show up every week without fail. (Level zero.)
Say yes to the thing after the thing. (Level one.)
Say yes to the things that cost something. (Level two.)

Each level filters for more committed people. Each yes opens a door that wouldn’t have existed without the one before it.

I said yes to a friend I’d met at Lifetime when he invited me to an event. At that event, he mentioned a group trip to Brazil and asked if he should keep me in the group chat.

I said sure.

Three months later I was eating coxinha from a restaurant in Brazil, seeing a country through the eyes of someone who grew up there, deepening a friendship I wouldn’t have had if I’d gone home instead of saying yes that night.

One yes. Then another. Then Brazil.

That’s how it works.

Your Assignment This Week:

1. Pick one room you’re already in (a gym, a church, a business group, an online community). Ask yourself honestly: am I showing up every single week without fail? If not, start there.

2. Find the thing after the thing. The hang, the dinner, the informal part. Say yes to it this week even if it’s inconvenient.

3. Look at the calendar for that group. Is there a retreat, a trip, an event that costs something? Put your name on it.

The insiders aren’t special. They just kept saying yes when everyone else went home.

Well, that’s all for now.

-Daniel

P.S. Proximity is power. My book just start goes into this idea more. Pick it up here.