Just Start: Choosing Grace

Dear Andre, (6 minute read)

Running a business can be lonely. Starting a creative project can be lonely. But it doesn’t have to be. You can learn to find your people.

What if there was a process to to go from feeling like an outsider, to an insider? that’s what we’ve been talking about the last 4 weeks. Here’s the doc with everything in one place: How to make a great first impression. totally free. Enjoy.

Today we’re talking about a bit of the deeper work required to make a great first impression. (the mindset and practices behind the tactics)

The Front Seat

I'm one of five kids.

We had a rule in the minivan: whoever was oldest in the car got to sit in the front seat. Simple. Fair. Ruthlessly enforced.

I would ask my older brother or sister if I could sit up front. I don't remember them ever saying yes. Not once. And I felt it every time (that small sting of being left out, of not mattering enough for an exception).

Years later, when I was finally the oldest in the car, my younger sister would ask me the same question.

And I'd let her sit there.

Every time.

Because I knew what it would have meant to me if one of my older siblings had done that. They never did (or at least I don't remember them doing it). But I could. And so I did.

This has carried over into many areas. In most areas I didn’t have a position of power.

but once I did, I would intentionally give it away to make other people feel special.

I wanted to leave behind something beautiful instead of more pain.

That choice (that pattern) shaped how I see the world.

Give what I wished I would have received.

The Cart Guy (gratitude vs annoyance)

When I was 16, I had a minimum wage job pushing carts at a grocery store.

You know what I thought?

Thank God people don't put their carts back.

If everyone returned their carts to the front of the store, I wouldn't have had a job. So instead of being annoyed that people were "inconsiderate," I was grateful. Grateful that people didn't want to do something I was capable of doing. Grateful that I could make money doing it.

There's a guy on Instagram right now who's insistent that people should put their carts back. And I get it. In an ideal world, maybe everyone cleans up after themselves perfectly. But being annoyed about it? That just seems like a waste of energy to me.

I was grateful to have the job.

It payed for me to take myself and my sister on a disneyland trip with my church. Worth every cart pushed.

What Optimism Actually Is

Optimism isn't pretending bad things don't happen. Or that people are perfect.

It's choosing what you do with them.

It's training your brain to ask: What if this could be good?

Scripture says it like this: "Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." And also: "Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ."

That's not passive. That's war.

You're fighting for the story you tell yourself. You're fighting for the speed at which you return to hope.

And here's what I've learned: The speed of your optimism determines the quality of your life.

How I Trained My Brain

For 6 months in 2018 I went pretty intense with Shad Helmstetter's What to Say When You Talk to Yourself programs. Fifteen minutes of very specific self-talk, running in the background as I brushed my teeth, got dressed, fell asleep and drove. I’d listen to 4+ sessions per day. I was working 60 hours in the bay area and playing drums in Sacramento for 4 services on sundays.

One line I still remember: "I easily remember names and anything that is important to me."

Here’s an interview that I’ve listened to many times falling asleep: https://youtu.be/PQFO07XU_ls?si=z2SeLND2oqo8GwaE

I let these programs run unconsciously. Positive thought processes looping in the background of my life. It's been years since I did that specific program consistently, but it still left a long-term effect on how I think. I've also fallen asleep listening to Keith Kochner trainings, Spanish language programs, Tim Ross, Erwin McManus, and Shaan Puri to name a few.

Since middle school, I've always fallen asleep listening to something. I used to listen to heavy metal or screamo music. Then I realized: Why not listen to something that builds me instead of just numbing me?

There was also a season where I'd read the Bible right before bed, then think about that specific verse until I fell asleep. I did that for six to twelve months. It was really, really good.

The last thing you think about before you sleep? That matters.

This is conscious brain washing.

Your inputs shape your outputs.

The Charitable Assumption

I don't assume that what people do is meant to be harmful until they prove that's their intention.

If someone cuts me off in traffic, I know that in my own life there are times I don't see someone when I'm driving. Times I don't realize how something will affect someone else until it's already happened.

In those moments, I would love to receive grace.

So I give it freely.

It takes less energy. It's easier internally. And it leaves room for people to be human.

I assume people want to do good. I assume people are trying the best they can. And if there's some subset of people who don't care? I'm okay with that too.

Because my optimism isn't dependent on them being perfect.

It's dependent on me choosing who I want to be. Someone who gives grace.

The (internal) Culture You Create

Here's what I know: You can celebrate other people's wins without diminishing your own.

Just today, someone in one of my groups closed a $30,000 deal. I'm pumped for him. He's such an amazing human being. And I'm honored to be in a group where these are the type of wins people are having around me. The thought I’ve trained is: “if he can do that so can I.”

Sure, it's a little wild to think: That's one deal for him, But he's been patient for over a year to get to this point. He earned it. It wasn’t overnight, and it wasn’t without a tremendous amount of effort. (most of which I’ll never see)

Some of it is catching pessimistic thoughts quickly. Some of it is building an internal culture where it's okay to celebrate (your wins, their wins, small wins, big wins).

But most of it? Most of it is deciding early on: I want the people around me to win and win big. and I will celebrate them when they do.

I had another friend I talked with for 10 minutes. Made a few suggestions. He made 6 phone calls and made an extra $3,000 in his business. I was so stoked for him! I love when people around me are winning in their business relationships faith and health.

Your Invitation

What if you could increase the speed of your optimism?

What if you could train your brain to return to hope faster?

What if you could choose the charitable assumption (not because people deserve it, but because you decided who you want to be. You deserve the peace it brings)

You can.

Here's how:

Your Action

This week:

1. Guard your inputs. What's the last thing you listen to before bed? Make it something that builds you. A Bible verse. A training. A podcast that reminds you who you want to be. Choose 3 people you WANT to be influenced by. (also if you listen to the news or go on a social media first thing in the morning, cut that out)

2. Catch one pessimistic thought and reframe it. Just one. Ask: What if this could be good? What if they didn't mean harm? What if there's grace here?

3. Celebrate someone else's win. Text them. Tell them you're proud of them. Mean it. This will make your world get bigger and bigger.

Optimism is a skill. It's a muscle. It's a choice you make every single day.

And the speed at which you choose it? That changes everything.

Talk soon,

Daniel

P.S. If you want to go deeper, grab a copy of Shad Helmstetter's "What to Say When You Talk to Yourself." It's one of the books that changed how I think. Guard your heart. Take every thought captive. Choose grace.

People > Everything.

P.P.S. This entire newsletter happened because of a conversation with one of my friends who reads the newsletter every week. Please Text/Email and let me know what was helpful. it helps shape how this conversation continues to grow and change.