Dear Friend, (7 min read)

I almost didn't get the job.

There were better drummers. But I had one thing they didn't.

See, they were more technically gifted. more experienced. And when a friend knew an old boss who was filling the drummer role at a local church, he could have introduced any of us. but he introduced me. They needed a drummer, but also someone who also had leadership capacity. I was the only person in my class of thrive college who was hired at another church the week after finishing the program.

I've thought about that moment a lot. Because I’ve had moments where everything went terribly wrong. And I've had many moments like that. Where things work in my favor when I wasn't the most skilled option. I've been trying to reverse-engineer why.

Here's what I landed on.

Excellence and skill opens the door. Character and thoughtfulness keep you there.

There's a Proverb that says: "Do you see someone skilled in their work? They will serve before kings." I used to think that was just about becoming the best at your craft. Get good enough, get noticed.

But it's not that simple. And I bet you see it to. Really skilled people that other people don’t want to work with. Why is that? (All get to that a bit later)

here's the thing being skilled at drums got me in the room. But being good with people is what got me the job. And those are two different skills. If you're the best you may get the job. But people who are excellent also want to be around people who are great people not simply excellent at what they do.

When you become excellent at something (anything) people start making assumptions about the rest of your life. Good ones (commonly called the Halo Effect)

They think: If he plays like that, he probably lives like that. They're not always true. But it's how humans work. It's a shortcut. Excellence signals character before you even speak. I've watched this play out in my life more times than I can count. For 5 years playing drums was the thing I focused on most. It was a time of concentrated volume.

Playing drums 3-4 times per week. Most church musicians it would take 8 years to play as much as I did in less than 2. It wasn't that I was that much better. I just did 4x more than most. (and got to make 4x the mistakes and learn from them) And here's what amazing about this.

I've done this with the next skill. Detailing. Took 4 years and have detailed 1000 vehicles. It would take someone detailing 1 car per week for 18 years to get to that number. not because I'm special... but because of SHEER VOLUME. Even in this newsletter. I'm over 110 newsletters and 1 book into writing in less than 3 years. I don't share this to impress you. I share this to impress upon you the volume of effort required to become good at anything.

So yes, become skilled. Do the reps. But as you become skilled in a specific skill or craft learn to develop the skill of getting along with people. It will help you in your business and career. But that's not even the best part. It will give you access to options you didn't even know were possible.

Here have been some of the unexpected upsides of this skill in my life.

Playing drums introduced me to a couple who invited me on a private wine tour through Sonoma County. Wineries I didn't know about, experiences I'd never access. just because I played drums and showed up well in the relationships I built around playing drums. It wasn't just about drumming. It was about the people I'd meet along the way. Because of this mentality I've been invited to and welcomed to Switzerland, Brazil, and Washington D.C. in the last 6 months. I opened a door I didn't know existed. The skill itself? Often just the ticket in. The relationships on the other side? That's the real gift.

But here's what most people miss.

There's a second skill operating underneath everything I just described. It's quiet. Nobody puts it on a resume. Some people will say "oh he’s a people person." but that’s where you’re wrong.

When I was 13 I ruined a relationship because of a text that was misunderstood. At 18 I started in a network marketing company and made many mistakes in that business. Some that didn't make my friendships and relationships better. (had someone say NOT to talk to me because I had that business, now, years later that person is a close friend) I would be too excited about things. And talk endlessly at people about things they had no interest in. I share all this to show this:

Most people think this is not learnable. Either you’re born good with people, or you’re not. Either you’re thoughtful or you’re not.

Wrong.

this is the skill of getting along with people.

it's the skill of thoughtfulness. I was not good at this. I still have so much to learn. AND I keep having AMAZING experiences because people invite me into them, and because I say yes to them. And I hope that you can learn these things and start to see the fruit of them in your life too.

Chris Voss refers to this as Tactical Empathy.

Dale Carnegie talks about developing a genuine interest in others.

Jesus talks about doing for others as you would have them do for you.

I consider these to be some of the things required to build great relationships. But I’ll write more about the tactical things next week.

None of those are impressive. But stacked together, over time, in enough rooms?

They make you magnetic. They make people want you around. They get you invites. They make someone choose you over a more talented option. Because you’re a better person to be around.

Here's the framework I keep coming back to.

1. What is valued and rewarded here?

Every community has a currency. In a band, it's musical excellence. In a volleyball group, it's athleticism. In a business room, it's ideas and execution. In a community of communicators its writing and speaking. Around business owners it can be scaling revenue and profit. Figure out the currency fast. (watch what is rewarded)

2. How quickly can I get into the top 10% of that specific thing?

Not the top 1%. The top 10%. That's enough to earn influence. That's enough to be wanted. You don't have to be the best. You just have to be clearly above average. Then show up as a thoughtful human being while you do it. That combination (skill + people) is a multiplier unlike anything I've found.

Your assignment this week: Pick one space in your life (work, church, a hobby group, a fitness community) and ask the two questions.

What's the currency? And where are you on the skill curve? If you're not in the top 10% yet, that's not a problem. It's a plan. Start there. The doors on the other side will surprise you. Well, that's all for now. — Daniel